


The Beautiful Coward

by StormyBear30



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars, Actor RPF, American Actor RPF, Irish Actor RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-14
Updated: 2011-06-14
Packaged: 2017-10-20 10:26:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colin lost Jared once and lost himself.  Will he be able to pull himself back together again and fight to win back the man that he loves??</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Beautiful Coward

He looked amazing. Nay, more then that, he looked bloody radiant as he sat at a table across the room from me, surrounded by what seemed to be many admires. I couldn’t help but be jealous of them since I knew what it was like to have those deep blue eyes gaze into your very soul, to hear simple words escape from his lips, yet they sounded like the sweetest music known to man. I’d had had that beautiful and seductive smile fall upon me time and time again before hand, forcing me to fall in love with him over and over again without even questioning it. He was absolutely the most exquisite creature on the entire planet and where he was once mine and mine alone, I was forced to share him with others out of plain and stubborn stupidity on my part. He had no clue that I was there and why should he had even cared, since I gave up all rights to him nearly two years prior to that night. It was amazing to me that it had been so long, that so many days, weeks, months had passed without him by my side. Most times I was so busy in my life that I really didn’t have time to care about anything but the job and what the next one was going to be, but there were times that I was so bone crushingly lonely that I felt as if the weight of it was going to crush me into bloody dust where I stood. I know now that keeping myself busy and constantly on the go was just a way to keep my mind active, to keep it off of the one man who if given the chance would have ruled my entire existence.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of him as he and his band mates were called to the stage, slinking back against the bar as I downed the beer in my hand, signaling quickly for another because I felt that I would need loads of alcohol in my system before the night was over. I watched as they prepared their instruments, Jared giving them a nod before the music begins to sound all around us. He scanned the crowd as he adjusted the microphone before him, taking a deep breath as he prepared to dazzle us with his words, but as his eyes fell upon mine, those words never appeared. He was momentarily stunned as our eyes remained locked, hundreds of emotions playing across his face before his brother nudged him, the band still playing the intro to the song over and over again. Breaking our hold, he swallowed hard before his eyes crossed the crowded bar, his gaze locking instead on a man smiling encouragement towards him. Who ever it was he seemed to settle him as he began to sing in a deep and musical voice that brought tears to my eyes because I remembered that beautiful angelic voice so well.

I recalled many nights of him playing his guitar and singing to me words that flowed from the creative energy that is and will always be Jared. I could remember the words, the sounds, the amazingness that hit me each time as the deepness of his voice reached my ears. He was a wonder to behold as he lost himself to the words that he had fashioned, lost himself to the melodies that they clung to, those lucky enough to hear him being able to catch a glimpse of the emotions he puts behind each and every word and note. I couldn’t figure out when I become such a bint, but once again tears swam behind my eyes as I tried to block out the happier times that I was able to share with him before I became such a fucker and lost him, even though it was breaking my heart to do so.

The song ended and once again his eyes locked upon mine. I couldn’t even blink as I lost myself in the blue sea that seemed to be once again gazing into my very soul, my breath held as well because how could you not lose yourself in one with such beauty. He finally released me from his depths, whispering towards his brother, who nodded in return as a familiar song stabbed me directly in the heart, for I knew that it was his intended target. Closing my eyes I allowed the words to flow over me, because I knew that the song full of heartache and anger was written only for me and about me.

Your defenses were on high  
Your walls built deep inside  
Yeah I’m a selfish bastard  
But at least I’m not alone

My intentions never change  
What I want it stays the same  
And I know what I should do  
It's time to set myself on fire

Was it a dream?  
Was it a dream?  
Is this the only evidence that proves it  
A photograph of you and I

Your reflection I’ve erased  
Like a thousand burned out yesterdays  
Believe me when I say goodbye forever

Is for good

Was it a dream?  
Was it a dream?  
Is this the only evidence that proves it  
A photograph of you and I

Whoa yeah! Whoa…

Was it a dream?  
Was it a dream?  
Is this the only evidence that proves it  
A photograph of you and I  
(A photograph of you and I)  
Was it a dream?  
Was it a dream?  
Is this the only evidence that proves it  
A photograph of you and I  
A photograph of you and I  
A photograph of you and I

He left the stage before I even had a notice that he had. I knew what I had to do, knew that it would be a long and drawn out battle where I would more then likely lose the shards that were left of my soul, but I didn’t care. I’d been without the man that I loved for far too long and with the Saints above, I hoped that I could somehow convince him that at his side was where I belonged. It took me a few moments to gather my strength as I watched some of the members of the band exit from behind the stage, taking their seats among their friends and loved ones. I knew that the time was now as with one final cleansing breath I made my way towards were my destiny was waiting for me.

“I don’t think so…” I heard a familiar voice cry out at me, my arm jerked behind the stage as I came face to face with Jared’s brother. “You’ve got a lot of nerve to show your fucking face here Colin” His words were full of fury as the grip upon my arm grew tighter, but I didn’t put up any sort of a struggle. “He’s in a good place right now. He‘s happy. Why the fuck would you just show up after everything that you’ve done to him? It’s been two fucking years, just get the hell out of here and leave him alone”

“How long?” I asked in a half attempt, but by the smug smile upon Shannon’s face I knew he knew what I meant.

“Five months and he’s happy with him” He emphasized the last few words, his smile growing longer and wider and more evil.

“I don’t care…” I replied, wrenching my arm from the grip that he still had upon it. “I fucked up. I admit that, but I can’t be without him in my life any longer” My words were pain filled as the tears that I had been holding at bay, streamed down the sides of my face. “I’m dying without him” I sobbed, wiping at my face with my hands in an attempt to keep some sort of composure, but not really caring because I knew it was what Shannon had to see in order to prove to him that I still was very much in love with his brother and that I also knew I had fucked up royally.

I could tell that Shannon had no idea how to react to the grown man that I claimed to be falling apart in front of him, his mouth opening and closing with no words coming out. “You left him for dead two years ago. You just walked out of his life and left him to die alone and heartbroken” He finally found the ones that he was looking for; trying to appear angry but I heard the compassion behind his stoic façade. “Do you honestly think that I would allow you to do that to him again? Because…” He hesitated as I once again wiped at my draining eyes as I continued to stand before him a broken and bared man. “They could have been more you know. Roger‘s good for him. He brought life back into my brother after you squashed it” He spoke instead, my heart beating a bit faster in its hopefulness. “But…I don’t see the spark in his eyes that I used to see when he was with you” He paused for another moment, staring at his combat booted feet for a moment before locking eyes with mine in order to prove the valiancy of his words. “If you fucking hurt him again” He growled through clenched teeth. “Colin Farrell or not, I will fucking kill you” The threat lingered around us as I nodded my head in reply, because words escaped me for that moment and then I was alone as I stood outside the dressing room door. I didn’t know what to do as I stared at the dingy door with a simple piece of paper with the words “30secondstomars” upon it. I didn’t know if I should just walk in and declare my love for the man that had haunted me for the previous two years, or if I should have just left him be and allowed him to continue in his life without me in it.

Again fate stepped in for me as Jared threw open the door, standing before me with a look of shock that quickly turned to anger and then all I could see was the ceiling staring back at me. Out of the corner of my eyes I watched as the sole of a shoe stepped over me, sliding across my stomach as I turned my head and watched him walk away from me. I lay there a moment blinking as I tried to come to terms with what had just happened. “Jared wait…” I cried out, picking myself up off of the floor as I ignored the throbbing in my jaw from where he had hit me. He disregarded me at first as I continued to rush after him. “Jared please…” I cried out over the loudness that surrounded us as we entered the crowded bar. He hesitated for a moment before turning around towards me so quickly that I jumped back out of fear that he might punch me again. I watched his lips as they mouthed something, but I couldn’t hear him due to the rowdiness going on behind us. He grabbed my arm and dragged me back down the corridor. I nearly lost my footing many times before he shoved me into tiny room that he had just exited, flinching again at the loudness of the door slammed loudly behind us. “Jared…” I whispered as I turned to find him leaning against that same door, arms crossed over his chest as he sent a glare of death in my direction that forced my entire body to go numb.

“What the fuck do you want Colin?” He barked, stepping away from me as I made a vain attempt to touch him in any way that I could, because the need to do so was nearly choking the breath from me.

“I…I…” I sputtered, unable to form the words needed to explain to him what a complete and fucking asshole I had been since that horrible morning that I left him.

“I don’t want you here” He said, his words sounding exhausted as he slipped behind me, falling into a nearby sofa. “I don’t need you here”

“I know…” I finally find the form to speak, standing before him, not knowing what to do or say next, but knowing that I had to come up with something or risk losing him forever in the end.

“Then why are you here? Come to finish the job you never finished?” His words I knew are supposed to be hateful, but they only sound flat and disgusted as he stared up at me with those beautiful blue eyes of his, floating with nothing but sadness and fear.

“I know that I hurt you” I spoke quickly as I sat on the sofa beside him, once again attempting to touch him, only to be rebuffed again as he jumped up and began pacing wildly before me.

“Hurt me…” He snapped, turning to face me with pure upset blazing from his storm filled eyes. “You didn’t just hurt me, you fucking devastated me” His words got louder as he once again began to pace before me. You made promises Colin…” He screamed and by the far away look on his face I knew that he was back to the day where I played the coward and ran from the only person that I’ve truly ever loved. “Promises that you never kept. You fucked me. Told me that you loved me and left me with nothing in your aftermath. I fucking hate you. Do you hear me Colin?” He screamed in my face, his breath wet and hot as it blasted across my frozen features. “I hate you so much for what you did to me and I will never forgive you…never” He tried to leave, but I didn’t allow it as I jumped up off the sofa, grabbed onto his arm and swung him around to face me.

“I know that I hurt you, know that I lied to you about things, but I never lied to you about how much I loved you…how much I still love you” I bit back, wrapping my arms as tightly as I could around his waist and back before jerking him against my body and capturing his lips under my own. He fought me just as I expected he would, and yet I didn’t relinquish my grip, because it was what I had been craving for to long to remember. I could feel him weaken as he finally gave into my kiss, his hands delving into the back pockets of my denims in a way that brought me back to many such instances, many years prior. I couldn’t help but smile as we broke our kiss, forehead to forehead as we gazed into each others eyes, each of us fighting for breath.

“Such a beautiful coward you are” He whispered sadly as he leaned forward and kisses my lips softly one last time before stepping away from me. “Goodbye Colin…” I heard him say, to stunned to do much of anything except stand there shaken as those words played over and over in my head.

It had been nearly six months since that final night with Jared and I felt as if life was not worth living any longer. I’ve turned down every movie role that had come my way, because I just didn’t feel that I had the energy to even consider falling into another role, other then the role of broken hearted fool. It was a role that I played well and one that would probably have killed me if I didn’t do anything to change my fucked up situation. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Jared since that night at the bar, but that didn’t mean that I hadn’t been scouring the tabloids, the internet, anything to keep close enough tabs on him. Each article, each clipping that I found I placed in a folder, most of them faded and wrinkled as witness to the many times that I had read them and looked at them over and over again.

I didn’t think that my life could have gotten any worse, but then in a drunken rage I fell down a flight of steps and fractured my knee and then it completely fell apart from there. The pain it self was actually bearable, but I lied and pretended that was more painful then it was as I lost myself constantly in the sludgy haze that is the drug known as Demerol. It really didn’t take much for the physician that I used to prescribe large and plentiful doses for me and I didn’t hesitate to ask him to do such the deed either. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I didn’t care. The days and the nights bled into one as I fell into the blissful high that took away all the haunts and the pain, then leaving me numb and blissfully ignorant to the world going on around me.

I didn’t think that I was hurting anyone, only myself and at that point in time I couldn’t have cared less. The problem was that I didn’t only hurt myself, but in a drunken stupor as I sat behind the wheel of my car, I hurt someone else as well. Still today I don’t remember much of it, only that I left the bar that I had been drinking in early one morning, convinced that despite my pissed state that I could make it home in one piece. One minute I was driving along and then the next there was a loud bang, a far away incessant honking and then my world went blank. When I woke up I found my entire family huddled around me as I lay in a hospital bed, each face mirrored the same look of sadness and shame. I found out later that I had hit another car head on as I swerved into the opposite lane of traffic. Thankfully the person who was driving the car was alive, but from the description my brother gave me, he was pretty well busted up. I was a bloody mess as I literally fell apart before that family circle of mine, begging and pleading for them to help me in any way that they could, because I had fallen so far that I wasn’t sure that I could pick myself back up on my own. I was in the hospital for three days before I was released and checked into a different kind of hospital, one that would help rid me of the demons that the Demerol and the Alcohol had been keeping alive deep inside me.

Rehab was an eye opening experience in itself. It was hell on earth, but it was there, locked behind safe doors that I was able to free myself of those demons that I knew would haunt me forever, but with help I would be able to control. I learned a lot about myself during my eight month stay there, two months longer then was required, because honestly I truly wasn’t ready to face the world at the time they deemed I was. I was afraid, I can freely admit that now, but after everything that had happened in my life, I felt that I had every reason to be. I figured that my career would have been over after leaving my craft for so long and then nearly killing myself and an innocent person in an act of fucking stupidity, but the complete opposite happened. I was loaded down with scripts and screenplays, so much so that I didn’t know what to do with any of them. I knew that it was time to pick something and start my life again, but again there was a little nagging fear that still held me back.

I still missed Jared so much sometimes that I felt as if I would die from the loneliness, but thanks to the brilliant doctors I had been privileged enough to work with, I was able to work through it without any damaging aids. I thought of him constantly, some nights soaking my pillow with my tears of regret and heartache. I felt as if I still had something to do with my life, something to do to better my life and despite my agent’s warnings, I agreed to a one on one interview with one of the most respected journalist in the Americas. The interview was going to be a piece about how I had fallen into the depths of hell and then was able to pull myself out to become a better person for it. Some of that was right, but I felt that their was still a part of me that needed to be let free and I had every intentions of letting loose my huge secret and then dealing with the aftermath a better and stronger person for it.

“Good evening Colin…” She began in her formal and crisp speech that instantly set my mind at ease as we sat outside in the garden of my home.

“Good Evening…” I replied with a smile, itching for a cigarette, because despite giving up most of my vices, that one I wasn’t willing to part with just yet.

“Let’s begin this interview, by delving right into the think of it shall we?”

I couldn’t help but smile as my love of that women grew right there on the spot, because despite her calm and cool demeanor, she was direct and to the point just like me. “Lets…” I grinned at her, removing the slightly twitching hands that had been resting in my lap as I reached for my salvation. “Mind if I smoke?” I asked, pulling the slender cylinder from the box before raising it to my lips, waiting for her to respond before lighting it.

“Not at all…” Was her response as she crossed her legs and stared down at a notebook resting in her lap. “You just recently got out of rehab. You were in an alcohol related accident where your alcohol level was double the normal limit. Because of this you injured a driver on the opposite side of the road and were forced to pay a very large amount in settlement and hospital expenses. What do you say to all these allegations?” She looked me dead in the eye as if daring me to speak a lie, but she didn’t have to worry for I was there to bare my entire soul to her and the entire American audience that took the time to watch it.

“I say that each and every one of those allegations are true” I replied honestly, taking a drag from my cigarette before continuing. “I was in an extreme low in my life and drugs and alcohol were the only way, at that time for me to deal with it”

“I see…and do you regret any of what happened in the aftermath of your binging?”

“I regret everything that I have done that has hurt any of the people that I love and hold dear to me as well as the innocent who suffered from my cruelty and stupidity too” I spoke the purest truth, taking another drag of my calming agent as I prepared myself for what was to come next. She drilled me nearly another quarter hour on rumors that had been following me from the moment that the world deemed me a break out star.

“So Colin…” She began again after her inquiry into the bad that was my life was over. “We’ve talked about all the bad things in your life and their aftermath. We’ve discussed your addictions and how you were able to pull yourself up from the depths of hell and pull yourself back together” She highlighted. “Let’s now talk about the good things in your life. “Your son. The fact that despite everything you are still one of the most highly respected and sought after actors in the world” I talked endlessly about my son, my face a beacon of pride as I told her tale after tale of the little tyke that was my heart. She was gracious in her listening, but I could tell she was digging for more as I switched to my career and how lucky I was to still have one after everything that had happened. “You truly are blessed Mr. Farrell” She smiled over at me, and yet I knew that that interview was far from over. “What about love Colin? Have you ever been in love?” I knew that it had been coming and with a deep breath, as my hand reached for another cigarette I answered her as honestly and truthfully as I could.

“I’ve been in love” I spoke without hesitation as I looked at the last of my addictions as it lay in my hand, placing it on the table before us before I began. “I met someone a few years back who changed my life in a way that I never knew was possible. It was an amazing time for me and one that I will cherish for as long as I am on this earth” I felt the tiniest prick of tears in the back of my eyes, but I forced them away because I was damned determined I was not going to get caught on film crying.

“I take it that you and this person are no longer together then?” She asked, her eyes boring into my own when all I could do was nod in response. “What happened?” She asked the question that I knew she would as I took another deep breath and prepared to do what I never thought I would do for anyone.

“I got scared” I began, staring at the cigarette once again sitting on the table before me, my hands itching to pick it up and yet I held strong. “I got scared and I fucked it up” She didn’t even flinch at the harshness of my words, just gave me a patient look that told me that she understood and to continue when ready. “We fell in love on the set of “Alexander” and my life took such a drastic change after that that I didn’t know how to handle it” I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face as I recalled all the times that were spent with Jared, my heart swelling as each memory played over and over again.

“You’re not telling me that you were in love with your co-star Angelina Jolie are you?” She asked as she shifted forward, ready to get the dirt on America’s bad girl.

“Sorry, but no” I smiled easily over at her. Settling back in my chair because I was beginning to have fun with that interview, when normally I hated and avoided them with a passion.

“He was someone that I fell deeply in love with and because of my cowardess and stupidity I lost him” I point blank told her, smiling on the outside, my heart breaking on the inside.

“You mean her” She tried to correct me.

“No…I mean him” I corrected her.

“Colin…did you just come out of the closet to me and the entire world?” She asked a few moments later as she tried to compose herself.

“If you or the world feel comfortable with that phrase, then yes I just did” I replied, feeling freer then I had felt in a long time. “I don’t like the label of gay or straight, because who cares. People are people no matter what their sexuality is. The fact is that I met an amazing man. He was beautiful and amazing and despite the fact that I wasn’t even looking for love, with him I found it. I’ve never felt the way I feel about him with any other person I have dated or been with”

“You still love him” It was more of a statement then a question as I gazed over the table at her, noticing for the first time that the shock that had been there moments before hand had been replaced with awe and tears.

“Aye…I still love him” I smiled as I answered it, because just the thought of Jared and the love that we once shared was enough to make me smile even if for only a moment. The tears that I had been trying to hold back getting the best of me as one bloody bugger slid slowly down the side of my face.

“Do you think that you will ever be able to reconcile with this man whom you obviously are still very deeply in love with?”

“No…” I didn’t even think about my reply because I had received my answer from Jared plain and simple nearly a year before hand. “I hurt him pretty badly and despite the fact that I can never say it enough…” I stared right at the camera as I continued. “I am so sorry for what I did to him. Loving someone was so new to me and I got scared, but I know now that I fucked everything up for good. I just hope that he’s happy wherever and with who ever he chooses to share his love with” Tears rolled from my eyes as I turned to face the equally tearful reporter once again.

“Thank you Colin…”

“Thank you Barbara…” And then the interview was over.

“You are an amazing man” I heard Barbara Walters whisper against my ear as she hugged me before leaving. “I don’t want you to worry because I will make sure that this doesn’t end up like a tabloid piece. I hope that the man that you were speaking of sees this and realizes how much you still love him”

“He’s with someone else now and he’s happy. That‘s the only thing that matters now” I struggled with the words, kissing her cheek before taking my leave. The interview aired four weeks later and was one of the most watched specials ever. My phone rang off the hook like mad for days afterwards, but I ignored it. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, because I already knew that they wanted to talk about my coming out to the world for a man that no longer loved or cared for me.

Weeks passed and the hoopla finally began to die down. Most of my friends and family had begun to talk to me, not so much after my huge announcement, but the fact that I refused to talk to any of them about it until I was ready to talk. There we a few people who meant something in my life that decided that they didn’t like the man that I had become, but what they didn’t or couldn’t realize was that I was the same man, just with not so many hidden secrets. I was actually starting to feel good about myself, so much so that I even picked out a new movie to work on. I was scheduled to begin filming a few weeks later and found that I was actually excited about the prospect of being on a movie set once again. I had basically accepted the fact that I Jared and I were finally over, even though a small part of me wanted to hang on and linger in hope. I expected to never lay eyes upon him again, but then one afternoon out of the blue I received an unexpected visitor upon my doorstep.

I was talking on the phone with my brother as we made plans to get together for a week before shooting started. I was in a fairly good mood as we laughed and joked about something from our childhood, the doorbell interrupting our trip down memory lane. I asked Eamon to hold on for a moment as I answered the door, the phone falling to the floor at the realization that it was the man I never thought I see again. “Jared…” I whispered his name as the sound of my brother’s screaming could be heard at my feet. “I’ll call you back” I spoke quickly into the phone before snapping it shut and shoving it in my pocket.

“Are you going to just make me stand here all day or are you going to fucking let me in?” He spoke with an air that was twinged with anger, his eyes flashing it as well as he walked right past me before I could respond. Before I even had a chance to turn around and face him fully, he was smacking me all over my shoulders and chest.

“Fucking stop…” I cried out, grabbing onto his hands as I hindered his torture, of which I knew I deserved. “What the hell is the matter with you and why are you here?” I cried out in my own set of anger, anger that I didn’t even know where it was coming from. I didn’t wait for him to answer before walking away from him, because no matter how upset I was, I needed a moment to gather my wits about me.

“How could you just go on TV and say all that shit about me and not expect me to come and beat the shit out of you” He screamed, following me as I strode into the parlor. “Fucking speak to me Colin” His words got louder as I faced the opposite end of the wall, my entire body trembling and me clueless to stop it.

“I had to” I finally found the nerve to speak, still unable to turn around and face him.

“You had to…why?” The tone in his voice had softened, but I could still hear the underlying currents of upset still lingering there.

“It was my final step”

“Final step for what?”

Taking a deep breath I turned around to face him, my lip quivering as I pulled in another deep breath of air before continuing. “It was the final step to expel you from my life for good” I spoke the words that broke my heart and by the look of shock and then sadness, they broke his as well.

“Oh…” He replied, sitting down on a nearby chair as he stared at the carpet at his feet. “And here I thought it was your way of trying to get me back into your life”

“You bloody well made it pretty clear the last time that I tried that. You told me point blank and in no uncertain terms that you wanted nothing more to do with me…that you would never forgive me” I reminded him, confused as to what the hell was going on in his mind and too fucking afraid to hope that it was going to be for my benefit.

“Yeah…” He said almost silently, still staring at the carpet. “And I meant it too” His words got louder as he looked up at me, his brow creased in anger, but somehow that anger just didn’t reach his eyes.

I refused to allow my hopes to get up, despite that fact that I wanted to so badly. “Drink?” I asked, walking towards the kitchen in order to put some space between us and give him the option to stay or to leave and oh how I hoped that he wouldn‘t opt for the latter. I couldn’t help but smile, my back towards him as he entered the kitchen as well. “Hungry?” I asked, even if we were pretending for the moment that everything was ok.

“You don’t cook?” He said to me with a small sad smile upon his face.

“There are a lot of things about me that have changed since you and I were…” I didn’t bother to finish that sentence because I was sure that with it said he was going to be reminded of how much of a fuck up I was and bolt for the door.

“Yeah…” His reply was almost wistful as he sat down on a nearby kitchen chair. “I could eat”

“Ok…” Was my simply retort as I dove into the fridge in search of something edible for us to eat, the smile on my face had returned as well as the hopefulness that I had been trying to hinder since he had showed up on my door step.

That dinner was actually a civil and enjoyable experience where we filled each other in on just about everything that had been going on since that horrible day that I left him. Jared’s movie career was expanding and he was becoming quite sought after. His band was doing wonderfully as well, just finishing off a tour in the United States that was a smashing success. I listened intently, soaking in each and every word because I knew that once Jared walked out of my home that it might be the last that I would ever see of him again. I filled him in on my life as well, leaving out the parts where I was a miserable mess without him in my life. Hours flew by before we knew it and still we had not touched on the most important subject of all…if there was still a chance for an us.

“Man…its late” He spoke up much later after the conversation had died down and it was just us and the silence surrounding us.

“Yeah…” Was all I could say because I was sure that our time together was coming to a close.

“Do you think that I could crash in one of your spare rooms?” He asked, looking at me from across the room as he awaited my reply. “I’m just really tired and don’t really want to impose of my brother this late in the evening” I knew that he was lying and for some reason instead of making me feel better, it only served to irritate me thoroughly.

“Jared…what are you doing?” I asked cautiously because I didn’t know what game he was playing.

“What…“ He yelled in reply, getting to the heart of the matter rather quickly after that. “I just need someplace to crash for the night. I didn’t think that it would be such a big deal after everything that you have put me through. Jesus…if it‘s that big of a deal then I will just leave” I watched as he stormed off in a huff towards the front door, undecided if I should just let him go once and for all, for his sake as well as mine.

“Jared wait…” I decided I wasn’t ready to give up just yet as I grabbed onto his arm and stopped him from leaving. “I’m so sorry” I whispered sadly as I pulled him into my arms. “I feel as if I could apologize to you for the rest of my life and it would never be enough to get you to forgive me” Tears bled from my eyes as I held him as close to my body as I could without causing permanent damage.

“I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for the way that you hurt me” I heard him sob against my shoulder, his fingers clutching into my back as his tears dripped onto the fabric of my shirt. “You nearly killed me Colin” The flow of tears grew in strength between the two of us, each reliving the past that seemed to be haunting both of us for far to long

“I know…but I will wait forever if it means that you can one day forgive me” I spoke truthfully as I stepped back from him, gazing down into eyes that still sucked me into their brilliance each time that I looked upon them. “Come…lets get you settled in for the night” I didn’t wait for him to speak another word as I exited the room, he following as we made our way to the guest room.

It was hours that I lie there tossing and turning before sleep finally took me. It was a fitful and unpleasant sleep where I relived over and over the fateful day that I walked into the hotel that Jared and I were sharing after making extensive plans of escape. I knew what I was doing the moment that I entered the bedroom that we had been sharing, finding him lounging in bed with a smile full of love gazing back at me as I walked over towards him. “I love you. You know that right?” I asked, my entire body trembling as I sat upon the bed, engulfing him within my arms in an instant. “You know that no matter what I will love you, despite whatever fucked up things that I might do?” I knew that he had no idea what I was hinting at, but I knew that I had to get those words out no matter what.

“I love you too Colin” He sighed, tilting his chin upwards as he kissed me tenderly upon equally trembling lips. “I love you no matter what your fuck ups” His smile grew even more as I laid him out upon the bed, kissing him with a frenzy that soon turned into so much more. I made love to him hard and soft, quick and then slow as they all rolled together into one. Afterwards as he lay dozing beside me, I played up to the roll of the bravest coward as I grabbed the bag that I had already packed prior and left him and what could have been behind.

I wasn’t sure if I was still dreaming or if it was for real as I felt the bed shift beside me. I quickly learned that it was anything but a dream as I felt a pressure straddle my hips before whisper kisses were placed along my neck and face. It took me a moment to wake myself fully as I looked up and found a stream of moonlight bouncing off of a halo of blonde hair and shimmering blue eyes looking back at me. “Jared?” I spoke in no more then a whisper because I was so fearful that it would have had been a dream and he would vanish before my very eyes. He didn’t say anything as he leaned in and kissed me softly upon my lips. “Jared…what are you doing?” I finally found the nerve to ask, my breath becoming ragged and hard to control as he continued to kiss across my trembling lips.

“I heard you moaning in your sleep and I came to check on you” He said, not once breaking his tender assault on me.

“Jared…please” I begged softly, but with no real emphasis behind it. “There is no way that you could have heard me moaning from the other room” I knew that I was pushing my luck and that he might very well just get up and leave, but I had to know what game is might have been playing.

“Well…” I could see his cheeks redden as that same beam of moonlight played across his face. “I might have been lingering in your doorway watching you” He blushed even deeper.

“What…why?” I asked astonished that he had been watching me sleep.

“Jesus Collin…I’m trying to forgive you. I’ve decided to forgive you, but you’re not making it very easy for me you idiot” I could see the smile upon his face as he ducked his head in shyness and right then and there as I pulled myself into a sitting position, I broke down as I crushed my head to his chest. I knew that we still had a lot to work on, knew that it would be months or longer before the trust that had once been between us would be reestablished, but it was a start and one that I was sure I would never have had the privilege to have again. “My heart forgave you last year when you came to see me, but my head refused to listen to my heart” He went on, running his hands though my hair as I clutched him even tighter. “I love you so much Colin. I never stopped. I just had to get over the part of me that hated you for so long”

“I’m so sorry” I sobbed against his bare belly, noticing for the first time that he was fully unclothed. “I love you so much Jared and I promise to never hurt you again…never” I vowed, looking up at him as he grinned down at me.

“Let’s not make promises that we can’t keep” That grin grew in strength as he laid his hand upon the back of my head. “We’re both men and were both stubborn as hell, it’s bound to happen” There was no anger or threat behind what he had said, only the truth because despite the fact that when we were together before many an ugly fight had erupted over nothing. “Let’s just say that we love each other and that we promise not to kick the shit out of each other too much when or if the time should arise” I could hear the laughter in his voice and it caused me to smile as well. “Deal?”

“Deal” I relied, as I slid my hands up the curves of his back, pulling him forward in order to kiss him properly. That first kiss, it was amazing. It was the most perfect kiss in the entire world as it brought back memories of prior shared kisses and the promise of more to come, if we played our cards right. That was It was a kiss that turned into more, probably before it should have, but neither of us seemed to notice or care at the time. It was warm and it was wet and it was hard and soft and it thrilled me in a way that I never thought I would feel again. The next thing I knew Jared broke that kiss, slinking his body fully across my own before starting a kiss of his own. His hands roamed my chest and stomach, his legs shifting back and forth in a way that caused our hardening cocks to brush over each other time after time. His tongue invaded my mouth like a tyrant, taking control and planning its next strategic battle. I surrendered fully, because I knew that I was weak to his defenses, yet despite that would still come out a winner in the end. He felt the need to be in control, to lead us to where we needed to go and I followed his lead without hesitation.

“I’m going to fuck you Colin” He growled against my ear as the heated moistness of it all sent shivers down my spine. It was something that had happened maybe only a few times while he and I were together before that night, but the demanding purr of his voice excited me and I found that I longed for it more then I could have ever imagined.

“Please…” The word expelled over my lips in a rushed hush as he continued to rock our cocks together in torturous fluid like motions. He waited no longer as he reached into the nightstand drawer for the constant stash of condoms and lube.

“Put it on me” He demanded, his hips slinking up my stomach as he waited for me to do his bidding. I wasted no time as I sat up as quickly as I could, placing the condom upon his hardened dick, slathering it with lube once my task was done. We sat there for a moment afterwards just gazing at each other. No words were spoken as emotions, to many for me to count blazed across his eyes. I saw them all, a small panic beginning to build within my gut for fear that he was coming to his senses. I wanted to speak to him, wanted to touch him in an attempt to put his mind at ease, but the fear inside prohibited me from doing so and so we stared. I knew that he was frightened, but hell so was I and as long as he was willing to forgive me and forget about the past then I was damn well determined to not make him regret giving me a second chance. “Do I need to prepare you?” He asked, breaking the mind nerving silence around us.

“No…” I gasped as bit loudly, not even realizing that I had been holding my breath. “I just need you inside me Jared…please” I was begging, but I didn’t care, because I needed to feel him deeply inside me, needed to feel him control me, dominate me in ways that I couldn’t even understand. He wasted no time after that as he slid off of my body, crawling around towards my back side. Without hesitation I lifted my legs as he shifted them open, sliding in between them as I wrapped them around his back.

“Are you ready?” I heard him ask, thankful that he was worried that he might hurt me, but growing impatient at the same time for I needed to feel him lodged in deep.

“Yes…yes…fucking yes” I cried out in frustration as I looked up at him over the expanse of my quivering stomach.

“I see that nothing has changed about your temper” He chuckled, his blue eyes sparkling as he lunged forward and impaled my ass upon his hardness. I cried out from the shock of feeling him inside me once again, cried out from the thrill of knowing that he was truly there fucking me and it was not a dream. He took me long and he took me hard, until I was a writhing mess of a man. I had never been so wanton in my life, never gave off the sounds that flew from my throat and it only seemed to edge him on further and faster. I felt so raw and so open at that moment in time that as he grabbed my bobbing dick into his hand and brought me to orgasm as I literally broke down into tears afterwards. He held me, whispering soft words into my ear as he gave into his own orgasm, both of our bodies shivering for long moments afterwards from the aftermath. It seemed to take forever before I was able to gain control of my body and yet he just continued to hold me in such a loving and gentle manner. “I love you Colin…” He whispered one final time before the emotions and the exertion of the night dragged me into slumber.

I woke up the next morning with a smile upon my face as I reached over to pull my lover into my arms because I was desperate to feel him against me once again. However, that smile did not last long as those same hands came up empty handed. Jerking upright I scanned the room for any sign of him and found nothing. “JARED…” I screamed like a mad man, not even bothering to dress as I ran like mad for the bedroom door. “JARED…NO…” My cries got louder as I began to panic; wondering if the previous evening had even happened or if it had been real and he had fucked me and then left me for payback. I screamed like a little child as I threw open the door and came face to face with an equally startled Jared.

“What…what is it?” He asked in a panic against my shoulder as I crushed him in a death grip within my arms.

“Where were you?” I asked in an accusing tone as I pushed him backwards so I could look at him. “I thought you left me” The anger and the fear got the better of me as I walked away from him fully, sitting down upon the bed as the tremors from the night before began to inhabit me once again. “Where the fuck did you go?”

“I went downstairs to make us some coffee” His words were clipped with anger, but I didn’t care because I was fucking scared to death that he had left me. “Colin…don’t start this shit already” He said, his teeth bared, his eyes flashing because I knew that he knew what I was thinking and feeling. “I know that you think that I am going to abandon you, but I’m not” His voice softened when he noticed that the shivers that had been running up and down my spine had intensified. “Look…” He went on, sitting on the bed beside me as he wrapped his arm around my trembling shoulders. “I know that you are waiting for me to drop a bomb on you or just disappear, but you have to believe me when I tell you that this is not the reason that I came back to you”

“Why…why did you then?” I asked as tears pricked my eyes.

I watched him take a deep breath before speaking again, closing his eyes for a moment as he began to speak. “I thought about it” He started speaking as my heart froze solid within my chest. “I thought about coming back to you and making you pay for what you did to me…but I couldn’t do it. You hurt me so deeply Colin that I didn’t think that I would ever forgive you, but then I saw your interview and I could tell by the look on your face just how much you were hurting as well. I could also see how much you still loved me and even though I didn‘t want to admit it…I knew that I still loved you too. I fought it for awhile, but I knew deep down that I would end up right where we are this morning eventually. You just have to trust me Colin” He spoke gently as he cupped my cheek within his palm. “Just like I have to learn to trust you again” Right then and there that I realized just how much strength and courage it had taken for Jared to come back to me and I vowed to make sure that he never regretted his decision for the rest of our lives together.

I made the vow, but it wasn’t easy to keep as months later I nearly fucked things up between us once again. I was insecure and still frightened that he was going to just up and leave me in the middle of the night that when we weren’t together I was calling him all the time, or questioning him in general when we were. He put up with it for some time, but eventually he did just what I was expecting him to, he left me. He didn’t try to be sneaky and underhanded like I had, no, he packed his shit right in front of me and despite my best efforts to hinder him, he walked out on me. I didn’t see or hear from Jared for nearly three weeks and I was a near basket case because of it. He called me out of the blue one night and told me that he was giving me one more chance and if I fucked it up this time that it was over for good. I never asked him where he went or if he was with anyone out of fear that he would leave me again, but that only led to more fear and insecurities. It all came to a head one night after Jared turned down an attempt to make love. He was acting strangely and it only angered me and then it true Farrell fashion I opened my mouth and accused him off all sorts of horrible things. We ended up in one hell of a brawl before he once again stormed out of my life and that time I was sure it was for good.

Shannon showed up at my home a week later and I was fully prepared to receive the beating that he had promised me years prior, but I got something else completely instead. Jared it seemed was staying with him and not fairing very well. I was confused and scared at what those words meant as we drove towards his house. I found Jared holed up in one of the spare bedrooms looking like shit and near falling apart. Turns out that some of the things I had accused him off were true. He confessed everything that night, tears rushing down his pale face. He told me that despite the fact that he had forgiven me, that there was still a part of him that was afraid that the same thing was going to happen again. After he left me that night, he found himself back in the arms of a former lover and although it had only been one time, he had cheated on me with him. I was shocked at first, but quickly got over it as I pulled him into my arms as together we cried loads of tears as we talked throughout the entire night. It was later that next day that we decided that it order to move past the roadblocks that seemed to have been set up permanently that we would require therapy. It was rough at the beginning, but it was worth every minute of unhappiness because now eight years later we are still together and blissfully happy. We’ve been an outed couple for the last five years and although we did receive some negative reactions at the beginning, nothing bothers us anymore.

I ran into Barbara Walters a few years ago at a movie premiere. She was gracious as ever as I leaned down to kiss her cheek, introducing her to Jared once I had. I couldn’t help but smile as she leaned up and kissed him softly upon his cheek, making him blush as she told him how handsome she thought he was. I was beaming with pride as they swapped idle chitchat. Afterwards, she took me aside, hugging me tightly as she whispered words that I will never forget. “I’m so happy that you were able to bring him back into your life Colin. It is very clear that you two compliment each other and I know that you will be happy and together for a very long time to come” I had tears in my eyes as she kissed me quickly upon my cheek, waving goodbye to Jared before leaving with her husband.

“Hey…you ok?” Jared asked as he walked over towards me, taking my hand into his own without shame or forethought.

“I am now” I beamed at him as I wrapped my arm around his waist and pulled him in for a slow and love filled snog. “I love you” I whispered against his ear, ignoring the flashing bulbs going off all around us. “And I will for a very long time to come” I repeated her words as I pulled him even tighter into my arms.

The end


End file.
